Anger and Disrespect

Out of my work with all the anger management clients, I am told that
"being disrespected" is the number one thing that makes them angry.
This makes sense. Who would not be angry with being disrespected?

Here is my question: What does it mean to be disrespected. My clients
have a variety of answers for this one. I do not think there is any one
consensus on the definition of "being disrespected." It is a feeling
that people get and they know it when they see it. Since this feeling
is rather subjective, I want to point out that there is a great
possibility that its the person's thinking that is causing them to feel
disrespected, even when there is truly no disrespect.

A person often feels disrespected when, for example, their child does
not do as they are told. However, does the child say, "I want to
disrespect my parent by not doing as I am told."? I really doubt that.
The problem here is the parent views the behavior as "disrespectful,"
instead of seeing that there may be many reasons the child does not do
as he/she is told (because they simply don't want to do it, they have
ADHD, they have some strong negative feeling and so on).

I encourage my clients to look at the actions behind another person's
"disrespect." A lot of people behave in a "disrespectful" manner
because they are scared, they are trying to look tough to cover
insecurities, they are blind to their own behavior, or they are simply
angry in general.

If you immediately tell yourself that you are being disrespected when a
person does not behave the way you want them to, remind yourself that
you are jumping to conclusions and then think about the alternative
reasons the person is acting that way. Few people make it a goal to
disrespect others.

Anger Iceberg

Anger is like an iceberg. There is that tip that is sticking out, which
everyone sees. So, it is not difficult to see when a person is angry.
However, Icebergs have about 90% more to them that what meets the eye.
Anger is the same way.

Anger is the symptom. Symptom of what? Well, it is different for each
person. Many people's anger iceberg includes fears, insecurities,
bottled up frustrations, hurt pride, feelings of disrespect, and
various other emotions.

Given that it is usually quite easy to see a person's anger, but
difficult to see the rest of their anger iceberg, the task of helping a
person reduce his or her anger often takes a bit of detective work. The
best way to control a person's anger is for them to ask "What is making
me feel this way?" When the person examines his or her feelings causing
the anger, then the problem can be addressed. If there is simply a
focus on deep breathing, counting to ten and meditation, this will only
treat the symptom and is doomed to fail in the long run.

Here are some quick one liners that a person can repeat to reduce anger:

* Will [whatever makes me angry] matter one year from now? Will it
matter one week from now?
* What right do I have that is being violated?
* How would the average person respond to this?
* How is getting angry about this really going to change anything?
* Other than anger, what else am I feeling?
* What belief do I have that is making me angry? Is that belief
reasonable?

Anger Iceberg Handout