Am I Normal?

Given that people come to see me because there is something not quite right in their life (or so they think), I see a lot of people asking if they are “normal.” This is such an interesting question. Actually, I do not claim to know the definition of “normal” and I don’t think anyone does. Most of us want to fit in. However, we all do things that are considered to be “abnormal.” So, I suppose that none of us are considered “normal,” for that matter. I certainly don’t consider myself “normal!”

Since everyone has his or her quirks, this is really a fantastic thing. Could you imagine if everyone was exactly the same? It would be a rather boring place and life’s goal post would be mighty crowded. For those who are really focused on trying to figure out if they are “normal” or how to be “normal,” I ask why this is so important to them. The answer to this question usually identifies the real struggle the person is having.

My take on human behavior is this: If your behavior is causing a problem, then it is a problem. If your behavior is different from many you know, but there is no obvious problem, then who cares? As a result of our society being so focused on fitting in, we often lose our individuality. This is a mighty sad thing. Just think how great diversity is. Dr. Alfred Kinsey, who many believe is the first person to scientifically study sex, emphasized how diversity is so important to every organism. He embraced the differences in human beings and did his best to encourage others to respect individual differences.

The next time you ask yourself if you are “normal” or if you should be “normal” or how you can be “normal,” Stop It! What good is “normal?” If you are enjoying yourself and not hurting anyone, then be who you are. Isn’t life much better when you are being yourself, instead of trying to just be like everyone else?

Marriage Counseling as a Last Resort?

I see a lot of couples in my office who are striving to better their
relationships and, often, save their relationships. The disturbing
trend I see is couples therapy or marriage counseling being used as a
last resort. Many couples will tell me that they have tried psychiatric
medication (often antidepressants) and different forms of arguing, as
well as separations, threats of lawsuits, and who knows what else. Of
course...this is all before trying couples therapy.

The problem I see is that many couples do not look for finding ways to
better their communication, appreciate one another, or develop ways to
settle differences. Instead, they are often caught up on who is right
or how to get revenge. When all else has failed and they are on the
brink of ending it forever, the couple calls me.

Marriage counseling and couples therapy works best when it is one of the
first resorts--not last. When therapy is the last resort, there is an
incredible amount of pressure put on each partner, as well as me! It is
much more difficult for therapy to help a couple reverse years of bad
habits, compared to helping the couple address these issues early on.

I urge couples to think about therapy as the second resort, instead of
the last one on the list. If you have waited to use therapy as a last
resort, there is plenty of hope. However, it will be more difficult and
probably require more sessions compared to that couple who used therapy
early on.

Many people view couples counseling as too expensive. However, I can
assure you that your visit with me will be just a very small fraction of
the cost of a divorce...and think about the heartache you may save.

Getting the Most out of Skype Therapy

When clients talk with me via phone or Skype, there are often things
they can do to better their experience. I want you to get the most out
of your session, so please look over these tips.

Tips for bettering your session:

Treat this session the same as you would if you were in my office.

Put the appointment on your calendar so it is not a surprise when I call
you! (this happens a lot)

Make sure you are in a quiet place, which is free from distractions.

Don't drive and talk!

Keep yourself focused during the discussion…don't try to do housework or
surf the web.

Give yourself 30 minutes before and after the session to think about our
discussion.

If you disagree with something I say, speak your mind! The last thing I
want is for you to just quit talking with me because you are upset. Who
knows, maybe I misheard you, which caused my response to be wrong.

Remember that some body language is missed over Skype (and all of it on
the phone), so please don't be afraid to be more verbally expressive.

The Value Of A Smile

The Value Of A Smile
by Author Unknown

A smile cost nothing, but gives much.
It enriches those who receive,
Without making poorer those who give.
It takes but a moment,
But the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it,
And none is so poor but that he can be made rich by it.
A smile creates happiness in the home,
Fosters good will in business,
And is the countersign of friendship.
It brings rest to the weary,
Cheer to the discouraged,
Sunshine to the sad,
And is nature's best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen,
For it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away.
Some people are too tired to give you a smile.
Give them one of yours,
As none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.

Stress Management

Here are a couple of quick quips for managing stress:

If you allow others to make you stressed, you are allowing them to
control you. Do you really want others pulling your strings?

Look at stress as a test.

The only person responsible for your stress is you.

Stress is energy. Are you going to use this energy for something
productive or destructive?

Will it matter tomorrow? Next week? Next Month?

Skype Therapy?

Skype is a unique way to provide therapy services for many different
reasons. Just think about the ease of having a therapy session without
leaving the house. It also increases privacy because you know no one
will see you in a waiting room or walking into a clinic. It is also
important to mention that you save time and travel expenses.

Skype allows for both the client and therapist to see and hear one
another via the internet. Although face to face therapy is usually the
most beneficial, Skype is a great alternative due to its flexibility and
(usually) high quality of voice and video. I prefer a skype call over
a telephone call because it really does sound much more clear!

Many people are often leery of a Skype session and would rather make
office visits. I invite you to talk with me for a free 15 minute
mini-session to see how you like it.

Anger management, stress management, sexuality issues and even couples
therapy are all great topics for Skype therapy.

Talk Sex?

Sexuality is often one of those things people have great difficulty
discussing. So much of the time, people have sex, but they do not have
discussions about sex. I wonder how many of you do not really discuss
sex with your partner(s).

I see many people in my office and on the phone who are very sexually
active and are quite open minded. However, it is very interesting to
see that so many of them do not have solid adult to adult conversations
about sex. The lack of these conversations seems to result in
misunderstandings. I think of the classic story about the woman who
fakes her orgasm because she is afraid to tell her partner what feels
good. Maybe she thinks her partner will be offended if she asks him/her
to do a little less of that or a little more of this. Once the pattern
has been established, she has been "faking" for years! Wow, how do you
get out of that one?

I also see many couples who end up with diseases or feeling let down by
their sexual experiences. This is all because there is not honest face
to face discussion before the sexual activities begin. Remember, your
partner(s) is not going to know what feels good to you unless you tell
him or her! This is very important. Sometimes, the lack of
communication causes one to be lax about safer sex…and disease(s) happen.

I want you to look at how comfortable you are TALKING about sex, not
having it. Chances are, if you are able to increase your comfort level
with discussing this, then you will have a much better and safer sex life.

Prescription Sex Enhancing Drugs

Drugs = better sex?? When we watch TV, we get this message. If we
subscribe to much of the popular culture, we get this message. Is it
true? Well, I don't subscribe to this philosophy. Of course drugs can
enhance sex, but it often does not work and certainly has its drawbacks.

I see many people in my office who are having some sort of sex
problem…like lack of desire, impotence, or just boring sex. Often, they
have turned to prescription sex enhancing drugs to help them. Usually,
they are quite surprised when these drugs do not work as advertised.
Other times, I get couples who use illegal drugs to enhance their sexual
experiences. Again, they end up falling short. It might work
fantastically at first and then quickly lose its effects. Many drugs,
especially cocaine, end up having a negative effect on the sex life
after time.

So you may be wondering why I say these drugs often do not work. If
there is simply a physical problem, then these sex-enhancing drugs often
do the trick. Here is the kicker—Many people rely on drugs to help
their sex life because they have emotional and communication
difficulties that make sex very difficult. No matter the issue, if a
person relies on drugs to help them with a problem with communicating,
thinking, or behavior, it will not work unless they also make changes in
their attitude and lifestyle. People who rely on drugs alone often have
little benefit.

I want everyone who is using a drug to enhance their sex life to really
look at why they are choosing this as a "remedy." Is it a result of
difficulty talking about sex, feelings of guilt or nervousness during
sex, maybe it is the fact that you are angry with your partner and this
is making it difficult to perform. Would you believe that some people
take sex-enhancing drugs because they have so much anger towards their
partner that they are unable to become aroused without chemical help? I
know this exists because I have talked with several who admit this problem.

I am urging everyone who uses these sexual enhancing drugs to think
about the emotional side of sex and ask themselves if this is impacting
the actual mechanics of sex. Of course, if there is a physical or
hormonal problem causing sexual difficulty, then sex-enhancing drugs are
often beneficial.